Subtle flutter

May 2003


"Hi Juliette."

"Cal, I didn't know I'd see you here. How are you?" I was still in work mode and wondered if I sounded too formal.  I looked him up and down, he looked just as handsome as always in a green button down and faded jeans. His hair was a little longer, a couple strands fell into his eyes when he leaned in for a hug. He also had a little five o clock shadow going, I tried to ignore how much I liked it. We exchanged the usual 'I'm good' and sat down.

I looked at Shelly to silently give her a 'what the!' but she wouldn't turn my way and kept her focus on something Gavin was saying. I decided I could do this and tried to relax and enjoy dinner. Every few minutes Cal would look my way giving me some awkward grin.

"So Jules, you seeing anyone?" Gavin asked me as he shoved a chip in his mouth, leaving a glob of white cheese sauce on his cheek, classy.

"Not technically Gavin." I said with a forced grin. I tried my best to not look at Cal's reaction but I did anyways. I couldn't make out the meaning behind his smile so I told myself I didn't really care and was surprised that a part of me didn't.

"Well then you should give my boy Cal here another chance." He said slapping Cal on the back making Cal choke on his chip. He coughed a couple times and reached for his soda. After several seconds he calmed down and gave me an apologetic look. For the first time I was grateful when he changed the subject to sports. I seized opportunity to ask Shelly to take a bathroom break with me.

"What the hell Shelly?" I shoved the swinging door open to the restroom.

"What?! I didn't know either but come on, is it so bad? You still like him don't you?" She said as she started fixing her makeup in the mirror.

I paused, for the longest time all I wanted was to get back together with Cal. It just didn't feel the same, at one time the sight of Cal gave me butterflies in my stomach. Though I couldn't help but be attracted to him, the pitter patter that once was didn't have the same effect on me. There was a subtle flutter still there, I don't know if that would go away.  And then there was Jacob, I know we weren't a couple but I can't ignore the feeling I get every time I think of him.

"I don't think I do anymore," I said out loud at my reflection. Shelly shrugged and said we should get back. We joined the boys just when our entrées appeared. I looked at my fish tacos and felt my stomach growl. We all must have been hungry because another word wasn't spoken until we were almost finished.

"So Cal l, how's it feel to know someone else popped Jules cherry before you." I was now the one choking on my food, I tried coughing and Cal handed me a soda while Shelly patted me on the back. I looked at Shelly expecting sympathy instead she just shrugged and raised her eyebrows as if she couldn't help what her boyfriend says. Cal was quiet and I didn't miss the sad look in his eyes. I felt bad he had to find out, especially this way. I didn't feel bad enough to finish this little surprise double date. I reached into my purse and stood.

"Here's cash for my meal, Shell I'll see you tomorrow. Gavin...grow up!" I threw a twenty on the table and gave an awkward wave to Cal before quickly heading to my car. I had just opened the driver side door when I heard my name. Turning around I was surprised to see Amanda.

"Hey, fancy seeing you here," I greeted, why is the the saying fancy seeing you here anyways, what's fancy about it?

"Just meeting Miles for a bite." She said grinning.

"Oh yeah, how's that going I haven't seen you in what 2 or 3 months?"

"It's going great, his wife is out of town this week so we've spent almost every hour together."  Ugh he's still married. I didn't know how to respond. I would say luckily I didn't have to respond, we were interrupted, however it was Cal interrupting.

"Jules, I'm glad you haven't left. Listen I'm sorry about Gavin, he's protective of his friends but he was being a dick." He spat out. He looked at me giving me his best 'I'm sorry' smile, oh those familiar dimples they were hard to get over. Our silence was cut short when Amanda coughed loudly. Cal noticed her standing right next to me for the first time and introduced himself.  She took his hand and gave him a small smile.

"Look, can we have dinner sometime, maybe catch up. Without Gavin and Shelly?" Cal turned his attention back to me.

"Yeah just call me." I was hoping to end this conversation as soon as possible. Amanda was Jacob's sister and I have no idea how much he's told her. Cal pulled me in for a hug and told Amanda it was nice meeting her before heading back into the restaurant.  

"So that's thee Cal, he is cute,  are you guys back together?" I didn't like the judgey tone in her voice,  she's in no position to judge.  I wasn't in the mood to discuss this, especially with Jacob's sister.

"No no, it was a group dinner, his buddy was being a jerk I think he just felt bad. "

"Oh, well I heard you've been hanging out with my little brother a lot lately," she smiled giving me a knowing look. If you could read her mind I swear she was threatening me. I didn't plan on playing her brother, I really hoped she didn't tell him about seeing me with Cal. I know I am not doing anything wrong but she was looking at me like I had. I changed the subject and talked about getting together sometime soon. We settled on brunch on Sunday before parting ways.

As I drove to my class I felt sick to my stomach, I wasn't sure if it was the food, company or seeing Jacob's sister, whatever it was bothered me through my entire class. Luckily it was just lectures this evening.

I walked into my empty apartment and fell upon my bed. I tend to loose sleep when I'm anxious. This time was thankfully different as I passed out almost immediately.