When it rains it pours

September 2002

"What!? Is it Mom, dad? What happened!?"
I could feel my heart beating faster and I started biting the inside of my cheek, something I do when I'm nervous.

"Woah back it up girl and stop thinking the worst." My older sister spat back at me. She wasn't one to hold back any annoyance she had at anyone including me.

"Who the hell starts a sentence with 'I need to tell you something'!" I tried mimicking her, sounded way more dramatic then she ever did.

"Sorry, it's been a long day, just shut it for a minute and let me talk to you." Her voice trembled slightly and I sat up straight. My annoyance was gone and back was the anxiety something was wrong. I stayed silent and let her talk.

"OK, remember when Henry was a baby and the Dr found that he had a hole in his heart" I nodded even though she couldn't see me.  "Well they hoped the hole in his heart would close but unfortunately it's still a good size and they want to do surgery."

I swallowed, Henry was only 2 1/2. He was a bubbly sweet little boy, the thought of him having his chest open made me sick.

"Oh my gosh Kat, when is the surgery, I don't know anything about this, what...how," I was trying to find the right words without asking what are the risks or worse what is the expectancy of a successful surgery. Luckily my sister knew me and could tell where I was heading.

"Surgery is in November, complications are rare though and rate of success is very high." She sounded a little rehearsed I wondered how many times she has said this.

"Kat, he's going to be ok. I'm coming out of course. I'm sure by Christmas he'll be running around like nothing happened." I said calmly wishing I was with her and having this conversation face to face not on the phone.

"What if something happens, he's so little, the thought of him on the table.." she was now crying and I felt the water forming in my own eyes.

"Something will happen, he'll go in and not long after come out fully fixed and healthy." I was glad my voice managed not to crack when I spoke.

"I know, I know it's just so freaky. No matter how common this is, it's still my baby you know." It wasn't a question but a statement. Her voice was soft now and I could tell her tears had subsided some. She went on to give me dates and some more info. Kathy and James (my brother in law) and their three kids lived in Phoenix. Their eldest Andrew was 5, followed by Henry 2 1/2 and their youngest Sophie was about 6 months old. My sister was 6 years older then me and it wasn't until I was about 14 and stopped being the annoying younger sister that we became closer and more like friends. She married at 20 and about 10 months later had her first child. She may have been young but she definitely found her soul mate in James.  I was very sad when they moved to Phoenix from Colorado right after Christmas last year. However I am super excited now that Phoenix is only about a 6 hour drive away from San Diego.

"Mom and Dad are coming out a couple days before. I know you have a new job and school so I understand if you can't get time off."

"Kat, I will be there, I love you, give my kids a hug and kiss from me and I'll call you after work tomorrow."  I've called her kids mine since the day I held Andrew for the first time.  After I got off the phone I called Cal to talk to him hoping he'd still be awake. His phone rang three times before going to voice mail.  He must have went to bed already.

It was late enough so I grabbed my laptop and started searching the Internet.  I know she said risks were low but I wanted to find as much info as I can about the procedure.  After about the 5th website I found, I kept having to reread the last sentence until I gave up and drifted off to sleep. Wishing November would be here so we could get this over and done.


November 2002

"Dean wants me to meet his parents." Alicia said, I looked back at her and she didn't hide her terrified expression.

The last month had flown by and it was now the day before I drove to Arizona for Henry's surgery. Alicia was helping me pack but I knew the minute she walked into my room with her shoulders down and a gloomy face that gave Eeyore a run for his money, that she wouldn't be helping.

"It has been 4 months and you guys seem very serious now, I don't think it's that big a deal Alie." I said as I rolled each item to fit in my suitcase. I read in some magazine that if you roll your clothes instead of folding them, that they would come out of your luggage wrinkle free. Figured I'd give it a try.

"I know but this is the most serious relationship I've ever been in, the only parents I've met were my prom dates."

"Your almost 19 Alie, not Samantha from sex and the city," I couldn't help but laugh.

"Whatever,  I just don't think I'm ready. We're going out tonight I'll stay at Dean's to give you and Cal some alone time." She sang the last part as she walked out. Shelly was staying over with some guy she met at a bar a couple weeks ago. Walking into the bathroom I looked at my reflection contemplating if I should put on more makeup, I flipped my head upside down giving myself whiplash on the way up. I tried fluffing it out. That wasn't working so I patted it down. I put on some lip gloss and sucked my cheeks in. I kept trying some sexy faces then felt ridiculous so I stuck my tongue out. I was anxious, Cal and I had fooled around plenty but still had yet to go all the way, do people still say that. I remember hearing it in middle school; 'I heard so and so went all the way!'  Was there something wrong with me, I know he wasn't a virgin so it wasn't that. My worrying was interrupted by a knock on the door. Cal always came in and the door wasn't locked, I was cautious as I peeked through the peephole.

It was Cal, I swung the door open and threw my arms around him. He instantly grinned and I kissed both of his dimples and moved to his mouth. We stood there several minutes until my neighbor Vicky walked by and told us to get a room. We moved inside slamming the door then hurried to my room, Cal yanked my shirt off within seconds and removed his own. When he noticed I wasn't wearing a bra his eyes darkened. I slid my arm up his chest and up to his neck pulling him to me.

"Mm...wait," he pulled my hand off and sat on the bed.  "I can't do this without talking first." Scared, mad, nope nervous, he looked very nervous. Suddenly I felt very aware I was topless, I searched for my tank top and threw it on and joined him on the bed.

"Hey, it's OK you know you can talk to me." I rubbed his arm and tried to get him to open up.

"I really want to do this, but I'm not that kind of guy." He ran his hand through his silky black hair and exhaled deeply.

"What are you talking about, I know you've had sex before, is it because I haven't? Because it's OK I..."

"I don't want to be in a relationship anymore," he quickly interrupted me.

I didn't know what to say, I didn't really know what he meant. Now I was the one exhaling. I stayed quiet hoping he would explain himself.

"It's not that I don't want to sleep with you,  trust me I have thought about it for months. But I've also thought about how much we don't see each other and how practice is starting and how young I am. I can't  give  you  what  you  deserve."  He said that last sentence so slowly I almost cut him off to tell him to just spit it out.

"I know we're young,  and sleeping together doesn't mean we're getting married." I tried laughing lightly hoping he would just go back to the Cal I had fallen for, this was beginning to feel like a break up and all I wanted to do was go back in time.

"I can't have sex with you knowing...knowing I don't want to be your boyfriend right now." He said not looking up at me until he finished speaking. I swallowed and tried to blink away the tears. He stroked my cheek and opened his mouth to speak but then shut it again. After what felt like forever he finally spoke, "I don't want to say this is the end, I want us to take some space. You and I know there's something here, if that's strong enough we will find our way back to what we had."

"This isn't some sitcom, we're not going to break up then get back together years later and live happily ever after." Tears no longer filled my eyes, the sad pit in my stomach was turning to anger.

"We don't know that,  let's keep each other in our lives and see where life takes us, I may not want this right now but I know I don't want to loose you forever." He cupped my face and kissed me, I wanted to pull away but I didn't. In some sick attempt I tried to deepen it, maybe he won't be able to resist. It was probably best when he finally backed away. I walked him to the door.

"It's not goodbye?" I know he meant that as a statement but all I remember was the uncertainty in his voice. He was now the one that looked sorrowful. I didn't know what to say so I attempted a smile and slowly shut the door.